Dragoncatcher

     If you really want to know about it, I guess I’ll tell you about all that madman stuff that happened that summer before I had to come back here and take it easy and all.

     Where I want to start telling is the day I left my castle. Our castle is one of those ones you’d find on the cover of one of those goddam books that tutors read to kids about some princess who gets taken away by a dragon and has to be rescued by a prince and all. I’d bet a lot of dough, though, that those books are written by phonies. What I mean is is that they never really stopped to think about the story. For example, what if the dragon keeps taking princesses because he’s lonely and all? My kid brother Charles had one, a book like that. He’s dead now, though. Boy, you’d have really liked Charles. He killed me. What he’d do is, when he’d go read that book of his, is he’d actually pretend he was the prince, the one in the story, and he’d run around his room with this sword that I gave him for his birthday. He loved that sword. It killed me, how much he loved the thing.

     Anyways, I wasn’t doing too hot on lessons, so Alice–Old Alice as my maid–got mad and kicked me out. Funny girl, Old Alice. She was always talking about how much dough my folks had and how little of it they gave to her. Anyways, she kicked me out, so I figured what I’d do was I’d go for a walk in the castle gardens. Charles and I used to take walks there a ton, but since he died I don’t go around there as frequently.

     But when I got out there, to the gardens, I suddenly didn’t feel like walking much. So what I did was I went and sat on this bench that was sitting right there by the gate. I just sat there for a while, but it got really depressing. That’s the thing about sitting somewhere for too long. If you do, you start to feel all lazy and useless and crap until you can’t stand sitting any longer. What I mean is, is that you have to get up and walk around even if you don’t want to because just sitting with nothing to do is too depressing. Anyways, I was walking around the gardens when something really spooky happened. This giant dragon flew right over me. A dragon, for chrissake. It just dove out of the sky and sat there on the walls, looking around with this blank stare on its face like it was lost or something. I was really stupid and just stood there–I just stood there for chrissake. That goddam dragon was about ready to spit fire in someone’s eye and I just stood there. The goddam thing just up and took off as quick as it came. 

     Then something happened. I don’t even like to talk about it. I felt something on my shoulders, and what it was, it was the dragon’s talons gripping me. What the dragon did was, it took me back to its lair in the mountains. Then he started talking to me, which really spooked me. He kept asking about things back at the castle. So I figured what I’d do was, was I’d shoot the bull with him. I figured that if I was going to be eaten by a dragon–because why else would the goddam thing take me–then I might was well make my last moments fun. So what I did was shoot the bull this this goddam dragon in its cave for what felt like forever. That killed me. I wasn’t in that cave for more than a couple of hours, but it felt like forever. I guess that’s because I was about to be eaten and all and my body was just preparing for the end. Then, funny thing, as I was shooting the bull–I was very good at it and kept the dragon talking for a good while‒I remembered the old castle chaplain. I’m not sure why, but I did. And I remembered in particular when he was teaching me and my brother Charles and my sister Liezel about life after death and all. I never really understood it, what he was saying. What I mean is, how can there be life if you’ve already died? There was a girl that I knew from the Royal Academy, Suzanne Brohthurst, who was really religious. She tried to explain it to me, this one time, and kept saying that if I wanted to live forever than I had to go to church. Thing was, was that I knew that wasn’t true. Charles died, and he’s not still alive. I told her that, and she just sighed and said I didn’t get it. Maybe I don’t, but I doubt she does, either. She’s a big-time phony. What I mean is, her parents rule the next kingdom over, so they used to come over every now and then for a few days at a time, and whenever they did, she’d spend all of her time in the chapel talking to the chaplain about how she was a great Christian. But whenever I saw her at the Academy, she was always rude. She used to wear simple gowns, but once other girls started to get fancy ones, she began showing up with some of the best dresses in the land. She killed me. She really did, because whenever she’d wear these gowns, somebody’d always find a way to ruin them. It almost made me want to feel sorry for her and all, but I don’t really feel too bad for phonies.

     Anyways, I was shooting the bull when I thought of that, and it was right about then that somebody barged in the cave. Turns out it was Franz Herrmann, this prince that I’d known forever. He and I practically grew up together, but he’s actually just a big phony. I mean, he’s always having these extravagant balls at his palace, and every time he’s with a different girl. But he and I used to horse around a ton before Charles died, even though he was a phony. Anyways, he showed up and started fighting the dragon. He was fighting a dragon. He was a pretty good swordsman, too. That’s the thing, though. He was good, and he knew he was good. He liked to show off a lot, and I could tell he was doing it right now. He killed the goddam thing, though. I stood up and he came over and hugged me, telling me how happy he was to see me. God, he was such a phony. But I started necking him anyways, for chrissakes. I had no idea what I was doing, but his face was suddenly the only thing that I could picture, the only thing that I wanted to see. God, I was so wrapped up in necking him that I said I loved him. I said I loved him for chrissake. What happened next was he took me back to my castle on his horse. My parents were worried sick, and kept asking me these crummy questions. I didn’t feel too hot, though. I thought I was sick. Chest pain and all, so what my parents did was they let me lay in bed until I got better.

     It was pretty wild, what happened. At least, that’s what Liezel said once I told her all this. She’s a good listener, Liezel. I mean, you could sit there and shoot the bull with her about anything, like the goddam weather or that one phony kitchen maid or something, and she’d listen to everything. She’d listen, for chrissakes. I didn’t feel too hot whenever I shot the bull with her, because she was always so focused and interested and all, but I still did sometimes. I swear, I’m a madwoman sometimes. I really am.